Remembering Weapon Part II

When I sat down to write out the rest of our adoption story today I thought that was all I was going to do.  I am amazed and surprised at how powerful the weapon of REMEMBER  has just shown itself to be!  No wonder God tells us to remember!!!  I thought the power was in remembering what He has already done and the encouragement and strength that is to us.  That is exactly what it did for me when I wrote the other day.

But today, He revealed my sin in my current circumstance by allowing me to look back at the sin of my past circumstance.  I am amazed!  I pray you are blessed and challenged when you read this today.  God is so good!

Part II


Today I start in May 1996. We have been in one match (that means a birth mother had chosen us to parent her yet-to-be-born baby and we were working on establishing a relationship with her). But due to circumstances, that one hadn’t worked out and we were still waiting for a baby. We were newly in a match that was a really positive one. Our case worker was as sure as one can be, that this mom was going to place the baby and go through with the adoption plan. The baby was due in August. The birth mom lived out of state, so our relationship was going to have to develop long distance. Everything seemed great. We were finally going to get to be parents!

Our case worker was out of town on vacation for two weeks, so we didn’t really have the opportunity to work on developing a relationship with the birth mom since it would first be facilitated through our case worker via the phone. When Marti, our case worker, came back we met with her at the agency and talked about this match and to have our first conversation with the birth mom on speaker phone in Marti’s office. I asked Marti what she thought about this birth mom and her likeliness to actually place the baby with an adoptive family. I asked for two reasons; first, because we already had one match fall through and I didn’t want to get my hopes up too much (self protecting, again) and secondly, because something kept nagging at the back of my mind. What had been at the back of my mind, or more accurately, in the middle of my heart, was that I didn’t have a peace about this match and I couldn’t understand why. I kept looking at it from different angles and asking questions and praying that if this wasn’t the match we were supposed to be in, that God would show us.

Marti answered my questions and we talked about this nagging feeling I was having. I couldn’t call it what it really was. It was doubt. There was a doubt in my heart, a lack of peace, that we were supposed to be in this match. But I wanted a baby so badly that I couldn’t say that! I couldn’t turn down the possibility of getting a baby if someone was willing to place with us, even if I didn’t think it was the right match for us. How could I want a baby so much, and then say, “I don’t think this is the baby for us,”? Then I dared ask the question, “How often is the adoptive couple the party to back out of the match?” I did not expect the answer she gave. She said, “I’ve never had an adoptive couple back out of a match.” What!? Then how could I say that I don’t have a peace about this? There must be something wrong with me!  No, I'm going to ignore this thougth, His voice.  They'll all think that I'm crazy.  We're just going to keep going forward until He closes the door!

Marti asked if we wanted to go ahead with the phone call to the birth mom and my husband said that we did and I still didn’t have the guts to say that I didn’t have a peace about it. I still wanted a baby more than anything. I couldn’t say no. So, we had our first conversation on speaker phone and it was comfortable. There was NOTHING to make me think that this couldn’t work. But the Holy Spirit would not give me peace. I ignored Him. I smiled and thanked Marti and told her how we looked forward to meeting and talking with this birth mom again soon. I was NOT going to give up this dream to be a mom. I was NOT going to give up a chance to have this baby! My husband went back to work and I went home. I listened to talk radio on my drive home to keep my mind distracted. I can do this! I want this! I won’t listen to You.

Who among you fears the Lord and obeys the word of his servant? Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God. But now, all you who light fires and provide yourselves with flaming torches, go, walk in the light of your fires and of the torches you have set ablaze. This is what you shall receive from my hand: You will lie down in torment.  Isaiah 50:10-11

If I had known this verse from Isaiah then, maybe I wouldn’t have been so stubborn, but I didn’t, and I was determined to have what I wanted. I rationalized that what I wanted, to be a mother, for Kraig to be a father, to love a baby…these were noble things, good things, not sinful things. So, why did I feel like I was rebelling? Because I was. I knew the Spirit was telling me that this was not our baby. This was not the match that we were supposed to be in. But if I let go and told Marti that I knew in my heart that this was not the match for us, when would I get a baby? Would I ever? If God really didn’t want us in this match, then He could shut the door. Yes, that is what He should do. If He doesn’t want us to do this He is big enough and powerful enough to shut the door. So, You do it, God because I can’t (won’t).

I was a teacher and it was summer time, so when I got home I had no work deadlines or anything important to keep my mind occupied to keep me from thinking about this nagging feeling in my heart. “Okay, God, I’ll help You out. If You don’t want me to do this, then I’m going to call a friend and she will just tell me that she doesn’t think this is a good idea. Okay? You shut this door for me if that is what You want. I mean, I do want to obey You, so You do this. Okay?”

Hmmm…looking back I see my stubbornness, but at that moment I thought I was being so gracious to our Lord. Amazing that He loves me! Here I was telling THE Creator of the Universe what to do and how to do it. But you know what I realize right now? My God loves me. My Savior came to save me, set me free, NOT to condemn me. He should’ve struck me with a bolt of fire from Heaven right then like He did to those rebellious ones in the desert who spoke against Moses. After all, I wasn’t challenging God’s man, I was challenging God Himself!

The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness. 

Jeremiah 31:3

We love because

He

first loved us. 

I John 4:19

As I read my own story I am leveled with the love the Father has for me/us!  I am undone as I see the audacity of my sinful heart! 

Well, I was planning on telling you the rest of the story right now, but I can’t. I have been reminded of my rebellion and how He loves me. How He has lavished me in love when I certainly didn’t deserve it. What I am thinking right now is that I need to go reflect on what I am telling God that He needs to do in my current circumstances. It is good for us to remember, because I know how this story turns out. I know how much I wanted what I wanted, and how I justified that He should not deny me because it was a good thing. But He wanted ALL of my heart then just likes He wants all of it right now.

“Thou shalt have no other gods before Me.”

I can see clearly now, though I honestly couldn’t at the time, that I was making motherhood, having my own baby, my god. Because He loves me, He wouldn’t give me a peace. He knew it was in my best interest to put what I wanted most on the altar and proclaim the truth that He is worthy. Could I give up what I wanted most and proclaim the truth of His worthiness? Could I say that even if He never gave me a baby, that He was enough? And can I do that with what He has before me today? Am I willing to die to self, to my “noble” ideas and desires and say that they are nothing compared to Him? I must. My heart compels me so. Even though I am weak right now, and don’t want to give up my dream, He is so great that He compels me to say, “You are enough. Your will be done. You are worthy!”

Sole Deo Gloria,
WP Stacey

p.s. I will tell you what happened next time, but I ask you to pray for me that I can live what I am committing to do right now. He must increase, but I must decrease. John 3:30